Reality Sorta Sucks

We just returned home from vacation, during which a photo was taken of me.  When I saw it, I gasped.

In that moment, I realized that I have been positively delusional when looking in the mirror for probably...oh...the past 9 months or so.  There are several chins showing in the mirror that I simply haven't been seeing.

I've been seeing the 20-something year old me.

It's sort of like a time after my second child was born, and my husband took a picture of us together.  When we got the pictures back (good old film days, I do not miss you one bit), I said something like "their process is all messed up!  Just look at this awful color!"  

"What do you mean?" Replied my husband.

"Look!  My hair!  It's brown!"

"Yes.  Yes it is.  In real life, Daiquiri.  Your hair is brown."

"WHAT?!"

I ran to the mirror, and it was as if a veil had been removed from my eyes.  Sure enough, my hair had turned brown.  I was a toe-head my entire childhood.  Bright blue eyes and white-blonde hair.  That was me.  As a teenager, I was more of a golden blonde.  But age and pregnancy hormones had changed my hair to a mousy brown color.  I stood in front of the mirror for a long while thinking, "Hello brown-haired woman.  Who the heck ARE you?"

But the photo taken of me last week wasn't as simple to fix as a few well-placed highlights my by my very talented hair guru, Suzy.

Unless Suzy does chin lifts, tummy tucks, and liposuction on the side...she can't help me one bit.

I'm over weight.

Not FAT, I guess.  But most definitely over weight.  According to my history and the current number on the scale, I'm approximately 20 pounds heavier than I should be.  Maybe 25.  

How did this happen?  

So...reality has sunk in, at least in this area of my life.  I wonder, how else am I deluded?

Where to start?  I've never had a weight problem in my life.  I've never had to work at losing weight.  I've certainly never had to diet.  Blech.

But now that I see reality when I look in the mirror, I have to do something.  I can't look at myself and tell myself "I'm perfectly healthy" anymore.  

So...I've given up my daily Coke for lunch.  That's 140 calories a day.  And I'm going to get moving for at least 20-30 minutes each day.  It probably won't make me lose 20 pounds, but it's a place to start and more importantly, they are changes I can live with.  

My dear Reality...you suck.

Pain And Suffering

What's more painful... diet and exercise or going through last summer's "fat" clothes I bought to wear after just having a baby (I'll be out of these by next summer for sure, I thought)... only to find that my fat clothes indeed, do not fit.

They're too small.

By quite a bit.

So I did a good old fashioned separation of the wheat from the chaff.  It sucked.  

I sorted into several categories:

1.  Fits and is relatively cute - Keep

2.  Relatively cute but 1 size too small - Store on top shelf

3.  Relatively cute (or not) but 2 sizes too small - Donate

4.  Ugly - fits or not - Donate

5.  Have had since high school (yes, HIGH SHOOL), and I'm pretty sure I'm delusional about it being in style due to it's extreme comfort - Donate (except for those few pieces hidden in my "comfy clothes" stash)

I have LOTS of clothes stored on the top shelf (jeans, skirts, capris, shorts).

I have a GIANT bag of clothes t donate (everything under the sun).

I have 2 pair of shorts, 2 pair of jeans, 1 skirt, 1 pair of capris (that I need to mend), and a handful of tops that fit (but are pretty ugly...gotta have something to wear).

I'm not sure if I want to cry and eat chocolate or jump for joy at not having to sort through too small "fat" clothes the next time I go to the closet.

What will it take for me to lose weight?  I really don't know.  I've been eating veggies like I'm some kind of rabbit lately.  I've been running.  I've been lifting weight.  Still - the scale shows me a number that has never appeared outside of pregnancy for me.  

I'm so frustrated.  And confused.  And pissed off.  And feeling ugly.

Had some blood work done recently as part of a physical.  I was so hoping that it would show some sort of thyroid imbalance.  Then, at least, I'd have a good explanation for why I can't seem to lose the weight.

Have I mentioned how pissed off I am?