Reality Sorta Sucks

We just returned home from vacation, during which a photo was taken of me.  When I saw it, I gasped.

In that moment, I realized that I have been positively delusional when looking in the mirror for probably...oh...the past 9 months or so.  There are several chins showing in the mirror that I simply haven't been seeing.

I've been seeing the 20-something year old me.

It's sort of like a time after my second child was born, and my husband took a picture of us together.  When we got the pictures back (good old film days, I do not miss you one bit), I said something like "their process is all messed up!  Just look at this awful color!"  

"What do you mean?" Replied my husband.

"Look!  My hair!  It's brown!"

"Yes.  Yes it is.  In real life, Daiquiri.  Your hair is brown."

"WHAT?!"

I ran to the mirror, and it was as if a veil had been removed from my eyes.  Sure enough, my hair had turned brown.  I was a toe-head my entire childhood.  Bright blue eyes and white-blonde hair.  That was me.  As a teenager, I was more of a golden blonde.  But age and pregnancy hormones had changed my hair to a mousy brown color.  I stood in front of the mirror for a long while thinking, "Hello brown-haired woman.  Who the heck ARE you?"

But the photo taken of me last week wasn't as simple to fix as a few well-placed highlights my by my very talented hair guru, Suzy.

Unless Suzy does chin lifts, tummy tucks, and liposuction on the side...she can't help me one bit.

I'm over weight.

Not FAT, I guess.  But most definitely over weight.  According to my history and the current number on the scale, I'm approximately 20 pounds heavier than I should be.  Maybe 25.  

How did this happen?  

So...reality has sunk in, at least in this area of my life.  I wonder, how else am I deluded?

Where to start?  I've never had a weight problem in my life.  I've never had to work at losing weight.  I've certainly never had to diet.  Blech.

But now that I see reality when I look in the mirror, I have to do something.  I can't look at myself and tell myself "I'm perfectly healthy" anymore.  

So...I've given up my daily Coke for lunch.  That's 140 calories a day.  And I'm going to get moving for at least 20-30 minutes each day.  It probably won't make me lose 20 pounds, but it's a place to start and more importantly, they are changes I can live with.  

My dear Reality...you suck.

Pain And Suffering

What's more painful... diet and exercise or going through last summer's "fat" clothes I bought to wear after just having a baby (I'll be out of these by next summer for sure, I thought)... only to find that my fat clothes indeed, do not fit.

They're too small.

By quite a bit.

So I did a good old fashioned separation of the wheat from the chaff.  It sucked.  

I sorted into several categories:

1.  Fits and is relatively cute - Keep

2.  Relatively cute but 1 size too small - Store on top shelf

3.  Relatively cute (or not) but 2 sizes too small - Donate

4.  Ugly - fits or not - Donate

5.  Have had since high school (yes, HIGH SHOOL), and I'm pretty sure I'm delusional about it being in style due to it's extreme comfort - Donate (except for those few pieces hidden in my "comfy clothes" stash)

I have LOTS of clothes stored on the top shelf (jeans, skirts, capris, shorts).

I have a GIANT bag of clothes t donate (everything under the sun).

I have 2 pair of shorts, 2 pair of jeans, 1 skirt, 1 pair of capris (that I need to mend), and a handful of tops that fit (but are pretty ugly...gotta have something to wear).

I'm not sure if I want to cry and eat chocolate or jump for joy at not having to sort through too small "fat" clothes the next time I go to the closet.

What will it take for me to lose weight?  I really don't know.  I've been eating veggies like I'm some kind of rabbit lately.  I've been running.  I've been lifting weight.  Still - the scale shows me a number that has never appeared outside of pregnancy for me.  

I'm so frustrated.  And confused.  And pissed off.  And feeling ugly.

Had some blood work done recently as part of a physical.  I was so hoping that it would show some sort of thyroid imbalance.  Then, at least, I'd have a good explanation for why I can't seem to lose the weight.

Have I mentioned how pissed off I am?

Today's Run

...was very painful. But I haven't run in weeks so I think I earned a little pain. Twisted my ankle a little in the California sand this past weekend (I know, your heart is breaking right in two for me isn't it?), and now it really smarts. Might need to find something a little lower impact for a while.

According to Map My Ride I did 2.45 miles in 25 minutes. That translates into just over a 10 minute mile (or just under 6 mph for you treadmill folks). Not bad considering the break I've been on. The pitbull who ran alongside me for half a block was friendly enough, but he sure gave me a bit of an adrenaline boost....probably didn't hurt my rate :)

Now just to avoid eating a dozen freshly made oatmeal chocolate chip cookies before the day is over. I know, what was I thinking??

Back On The Wagon

Well, the "baby weight" isn't exactly melting away as I'd hoped it would when I weaned Thomas. I had really and truly convinced myself that the hormone change that came with weaning would magically make these 15 pounds just disappear.

Um...not happenin'. In fact, I've gained 4 pounds.

I guess I'm going to have to eat less and exercise just like every other normal person out there. Dang.

Saving My Butt From Halloween Candy...

This gum...Trident Tropical Twist has been such a life-saver this horribly tempting Halloween season! It's super sweet, and the flavor lasts forever.

I'm still eating the occasional Butterfinger or Reece's Peanut Butter Cup...but normally one piece would absolutely send me over the edge, and I'd be sitting there for 2 hours piling in the chocolate. But now I'll eat a piece of candy, and then if I feel like having more, I'll have some gum instead. It keeps my mouth satisfied and busy through the chocolate crisis.

I keep asking myself a question though...HOW can a pound of candy eaten translate into 5 pounds gained. Darn calories...

Food For Thought...About Food

As I sat and ate my breakfast this morning I noticed just how MUCH food I had put on my plate. I was alarmed.

It made me think...when did I start eating so much?

I'm not going to go back all the way to when I was a kid in high school. I ate like a horse, but I was exercising a LOT too. Plus, I was a kid. Let's just skip that phase...

On to college. I was exercising fairly regularly, and eating just as I always had. Honestly, I didn't think at all about it. I exercised because I enjoyed it and I ate when I was hungry. Period. I didn't even own a scale!

And then I met my hubby. I started to cook for the two of us...but I made the mistake of serving myself just as much as I was serving my 210 pound boyfriend! Big surprise, I started to feel "bloated". I was convinced that I was retaining water since my pants didn't fit, and that had always been the reason. But then I bought my very first scale and realized I had gained 20 pounds! That ain't water!

I still find myself eating as much as hubby. I just love to eat. I love how it smells. I love how it looks. I love how it tastes. I love the feel of it in my mouth. I love the feeling of a full tummy.

But this morning during breakfast? I had a revelation. There are two thoughts in my head about food that I need to change:

1. Clean my plate
2. Save the best bite for last

The "clean my plate" thing...everyone knows that's no good. And I don't think I clean my plate out of guilt or not wanting to waste. It's more of an excuse for me. I WANT to eat all that food, and "I don't want to waste" is a convenient excuse to convince myself that I should.

Combine that with "saving the best for last", and I have a real problem. Now I have actual, real motivation to eat every last bite!

Does anyone else out there save the best for last? I pick out the most yummy, perfectly done, ooey, gooey bite...and I eat it last. Sort of like the grand finale or something.

But the problem with that is this - by the time I get to that last bite, my mouth has usually HAD IT with what I've been eating. I don't even enjoy that scrumptious bite as much as I should! But leave it on my plate? When I've been saving it? When I've been eating (and eating, and eating..) to get to that last bite? Impossible!

So I'm going to try and change my ways a bit.

First, I'm going to just decide RIGHT NOW...I'm leaving a few bites of food on my plate. There. Done. Decided. If I'm still hungry after a while, I can always go back and have more or finish my plate. But only if I'm hungry.

And I'm going to pick out the very best bite....and eat it FIRST. It will be yummy and perfect and satisfying. I'm going to eat it slowly and really enjoy it. That way, if my body says "I'm getting full here!", I can stop without feeling like I'm missing out on that last bite. After the "best" it's all downhill anyway, right?

Besides - what does "save the best for last" teach my kids? Granted, there are some things in life worth working and saving and planning for. But most things...most are best enjoyed right NOW. Who knows what tomorrow brings anyway?

I don't want to become obsessive about this though - that's not healthy either. So why worry about it? It's not like I have a "weight problem"...I just want to lose a bit. Some reasons to make change:

1. I'm heavier than I should be for optimum health.
2. I'm not pregnant or nursing anymore. Ever. Oh my (sniff). I've been pregnant, trying to be pregnant, or nursing for over 7 YEARS. I can't eat like I did during those times...or I'm gonna start to LOOK pregnant!
3. I want to be a good example for my kids.
4. I want to enjoy food more. Half the time I'm scarfing down my meal trying to get to that last, best bite...or trying to eat quickly so I can take care of someone else. I'll enjoy it more if I truly savor it. I can eat just as long (from a time perspective), but I don't have to eat quite so MUCH.

I'm tired of talking about food. It gives me a crazy craving for chocolate, and I don't have any in the house! Sugar...that's another topic all together!

I'm A Real Runner Now!

Oh, the things I tell myself to get motivated :)

Hubby and I ran a 5K race this past weekend. I had one expectation of myself: run the whole way. Even if I ran at a snail's pace (as running goes), I was NOT going to walk at ALL.

I did it!

And I did it while running at my best pace since high school. In high school I could run a 10 minute mile for 5 miles and barely sweat. Ah, the glory days.

Not really. You couldn't pay me to go back to high school.

A 5K equals 3.1 miles for us backwards folks. And I ran it in 30 minutes, 28 seconds. That translates into an average rate of 9 minutes, 49 seconds. What can I say, I love a good excuse to use my calculator :)

I was going to just make it a slow jog, but my competitiveness got the best of me. Every time someone passed me (which was plenty often), I got a little mad! I found myself kicking pretty hard at the end.

And now...I'm hooked! As we got in the car to go to the race start I was thinking, "This is dumb. We could have just gone for a 5K run and saved our entry fees!" But it was so fun. There is a big difference between going for a run and being in a RACE.

Hubby enjoyed it too. I found him on line searching for training programs for half marathons! I don't know if I'm quite ready for that...but maybe a 10 K :)