Pain And Suffering

What's more painful... diet and exercise or going through last summer's "fat" clothes I bought to wear after just having a baby (I'll be out of these by next summer for sure, I thought)... only to find that my fat clothes indeed, do not fit.

They're too small.

By quite a bit.

So I did a good old fashioned separation of the wheat from the chaff.  It sucked.  

I sorted into several categories:

1.  Fits and is relatively cute - Keep

2.  Relatively cute but 1 size too small - Store on top shelf

3.  Relatively cute (or not) but 2 sizes too small - Donate

4.  Ugly - fits or not - Donate

5.  Have had since high school (yes, HIGH SHOOL), and I'm pretty sure I'm delusional about it being in style due to it's extreme comfort - Donate (except for those few pieces hidden in my "comfy clothes" stash)

I have LOTS of clothes stored on the top shelf (jeans, skirts, capris, shorts).

I have a GIANT bag of clothes t donate (everything under the sun).

I have 2 pair of shorts, 2 pair of jeans, 1 skirt, 1 pair of capris (that I need to mend), and a handful of tops that fit (but are pretty ugly...gotta have something to wear).

I'm not sure if I want to cry and eat chocolate or jump for joy at not having to sort through too small "fat" clothes the next time I go to the closet.

What will it take for me to lose weight?  I really don't know.  I've been eating veggies like I'm some kind of rabbit lately.  I've been running.  I've been lifting weight.  Still - the scale shows me a number that has never appeared outside of pregnancy for me.  

I'm so frustrated.  And confused.  And pissed off.  And feeling ugly.

Had some blood work done recently as part of a physical.  I was so hoping that it would show some sort of thyroid imbalance.  Then, at least, I'd have a good explanation for why I can't seem to lose the weight.

Have I mentioned how pissed off I am?

Back On The Wagon

Well, the "baby weight" isn't exactly melting away as I'd hoped it would when I weaned Thomas. I had really and truly convinced myself that the hormone change that came with weaning would magically make these 15 pounds just disappear.

Um...not happenin'. In fact, I've gained 4 pounds.

I guess I'm going to have to eat less and exercise just like every other normal person out there. Dang.

But I Thought I'd Already Reached My All Time Low!

Today has been (as my wonderful grandma would say) a "hum-dinger".

Not much going on, just one of those days.

I managed to get into my exercise clothes, get the Wii going, did a little boxing, hula-hoop, and step. And then, half way through a boxing match, I thought, "I'm just plain bored and I don't wanna do this."

I turned it off, and gave up on the workout. So I got, what, 10 minutes of sweating done? Silly. I guess it's not nothing though.

I think it's a hormone thing for me. Nothing sounds interesting or fun. I'd really rather just sit on the computer and edit photos or cruise blogs all day.

A sure sign that it's a hormone thing? Aside from the lack of energy, motivation, or high spirits? My candy stash. It dawned on me after lunch that I have a bag of Easter candy stashed in my closet! Now, I'd totally forgotten about it until today! It's proof...proof that my chocolate desperate mind and body is grasping at straws. My brain had to dig DEEP for the memory of that candy, I'll tell ya!

So now, after my non-workout...I'm stuffing my face with those blissfully sweet and crunchy robin's eggs.

It's days like this when I realize that I'll likely never be a size 8 again. Heck, I don't know if I'll fit into my 10's and 12's by the end of THIS week!

Checking In...

Well, I decided to pull out the tape measure and scale to compare my measurements to where I was when I started this.

I was hopeful, because I feel like I've been working hard. I've been working out 3-4 times a week for the past 6 weeks or so. I'm sleeping better, have more energy, and hubby tells me I look different. So I was looking for a little pick-me-up with in improvement in the numbers.

I weighed. I measured.

I gained 2 pounds.

I gained about 1/2 inch on every measurement...except my chest. Isn't that just crappy? If I'm gonna gain inches anywhere, it had better be in the boobs. But no.

My determination is slipping away on me...

Frustration

Well, I'm still working out 3-4 times per week. I usually do my Wii Fit stuff, and then get off the Wii and lift weights. I have a set of 5's and 10's (free weights)...I'm doing every arm exercise imaginable along with sit ups, lunges, and squats.

So why am I frustrated? The scale is not budging. Not even a little.

Hubby assures me that I'm definitely making changes...that I'm a different shape. And the way my clothes fit testify to this as well. So why am I not losing weight?

I have a hair-brained theory: I think I might be losing a little bit of fat AND gaining some muscle. They're sorta cancelling each other out, making it seem like nothing is happening. Why is this fat being so stubborn? I think it's because I'm still nursing the baby. My body really likes to hold on to a bit of padding while I'm nursing.

So I'm still going to keep working at it with the hope that when I stop nursing in the next couple of months (sniff, sniff), the fat will just start to disappear. Please, Lord, let this happen! I'm afraid that I'll lose all my motivation if I don't start losing after I wean Thomas.

And One More Tidbit Of Sucky Motivation...

All three of my children who are able to express themselves with words have informed me lately that I...

"have a big tummy"
"have a baby in there?"
"look like I have a baby"

Lovely.

Why Change?

Someone once told me that no one ever makes a change in their life until it is too painful to stay the way they are. I think I've finally reached that point.

I gained a few pounds during my vacation. I came back and only have a couple of items of clothes that fit me.

I spent a bunch of money this past spring to buy new clothes. I was already dismayed to be buying a size that I know is bigger than I should be wearing. But after years and years of being pregnant, I had no summer clothes to wear. I bought them, and promised myself that they wouldn't fit for long.

Turns out I was right, but them being too SMALL isn't quite what I had in mind.

I'll be damned if I'm gonna go buy clothes that are, yet, bigger than my already "big" clothes.

Being pissed and miserable...not exactly my favorite kind of motivation, but effective all the same.

I Already Feel Like Quitting...

What what I thinking, starting a blog like this??!!??

It's so much easier to not pay attention to what I'm eating and blame my flab on "baby weight". Now that I'm paying attention though, it's obvious...I have to take full responsibility. I'm a grown up. Don't ask me when it happened, but it did. Somewhere along the line I became 100% responsible for me. Crap.

And can I just whine for a minute. (Think really annoying squeaky whiny voice going on here)

But I love food. I want to eat because I love to eat. I love the taste of food. I love that satisfied feeling after a really great meal. And I love chocolate. I love it, I love it, I love it...and I don't wanna make sacrifices! And I hate to exercise! It hurts and it makes me sweat and it takes a bunch of time I'd rather be spending doing other things. And then I have to do the whole shower and makeup and hair thing, and it just plain pisses me off to have to work so dang hard!

Okay. Whew. I needed to get that out. Thanks for indulging me.